 Despite his evident exhaustion from a month long road trip, Ed Garren, writer and sojourner, composed this treatise on family. We all hope he gets his rest before next week’s column ;~} By Ryan Gierach. |
I spent the last four weeks on the road again. It was the last obligation related to closing out my life on Vista Street with my mother living in the back house.
The last of her furniture was in storage in Valencia California, and I had promised my brother that I would bring it to him. My mother Edna is currently living with my brother in his home in the mountains of remote western North Carolina. It is the family vacation home (see "Minor Miracle" December 7, 2006 WeHo News), which he has converted and upgraded for year round living.
A friend whose hobby is astrology warned me about the dangers of traveling while Mercury is retrograde. I had little choice, the timing of the trip meant that I had to start on November 11.
This summer I replaced the 5 liter gasoline engine in my Bronco with a Cummins 5.9 diesel. The conversion, though expensive, was cheaper than a new truck. The diesel puts out about double the power, while using 40% less fuel.
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Things were fairly uneventful until the Chiriaco Grade, just east of Palm Springs. While powering up the hill, pulling the Uhaul trailer at a good clip (75 MPH), smoke started pouring out of the defroster and air conditioner vents. We pulled over, and I grabbed my fire extinguisher (I always travel with one) and put out the fire. The exhaust pipe of the engine had gotten so hot it had ignited the vinyl inner fender of the truck, about five inches away. That spread up to the heater/air conditioner "box" and was spreading into the passenger compartment when we put it out.
 Edna & the Bryars. |
I spent three days in Phoenix while the AC box was replaced and heat shielding was installed. I later discovered that the gasoline engine muffler was the culprit, causing enough back pressure to overheat the diesel exhaust pipe, which set the fire. Replacing the muffler has made the pipe run much cooler, but we have also wrapped it in protective wrap.
The rest of the trip east went well, I flew across I-40 at about 75 MPH, Uhaul trailer and all. The diesel delivered about 15 MPG, very impressive for all that weight. Driving solo at 80 I got about 18 MPG coming back.
Once in western North Carolina, I got the trailer unloaded and had an enjoyable visit with my brother, mother and other friends in the Asheville area. Edna is getting very weak, so weak she has little enthusiasm for eating, which for her is a bad sign. At 94, her mere existence is remarkable, but it is also clear that her life is diminishing by the day, so I expect some sort of transition in the not too distant future.
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Then I spent two nights in Helen Georgia, which is sort of the Solvang (California) of the north Georgia mountains. Helen is a "theme" resort town, so in the off season, I got a great room at a very good price. The area around Helen is filled with relatives, and a long time friend from LA who has moved to Georgia. Richard is a fellow southerner, an M.D., who just got tired of the pace and sense of alienation of life in LA.
 Richard with the robot and the teacher whose class made it. |
When his luxury Kings road condo flooded the third time (plumbing back up from the upper floors) he decided "enough!" Having his closest friend at work turn on him didn't help either. He is very happy in his new home, spending weekends in his condo in Atlanta, and working weeks in the north Georgia hills, where he is also building a house on 2 acres of land.
I also had lunch with my wonderful cousin Mary Yearwood.
Then I headed to Mobile to see family there. I have written about them before. Krista and her children were in my "Welcome to Wal-Mart America" column last year. I spent three days with them, and had to peel myself away to head back west. I never want to leave when I visit them, and this is why, they are a loving, functional family. They have a very strong "child centered" family life, everything they do is for their kids.
In my column "Damaged Goods" I talked about children who grow up in circumstances where their needs come last, if at all. The Bryars/Simisons put their kids first, and it is wonderful to be around.
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Older sister Lisa Simison ("Lee Lee" as the kids call her) is an RN. Her younger sister Krista has four children by her law enforcement officer husband Richard Bryars. Both families have strong "Native American" heritage. The Simisons are part Choctaw, Richard is (very noticeably) Choctaw and Cherokee. Without being conscious of it, they live much like a Native American" family, together in one place. More importantly, they get along.
 Sarah on Point. |
They have had an incredible 20 months. In early 2005, oldest child Sarah started complaining about headaches and blurry vision. After working up the chain of specialists, they found out she had an "AVM" (Arterial Venal Malformation). One of the arteries in her visual center was breeching into a vein. If you watched "Six Feet Under" this is what Nate died of.
After considering many options, they decided to have a procedure called the "Gamma Knife" done. A high volume of radiation is pinpointed into the location of the breech, and (hopefully) the ensuing scar tissue will heal the breech. The actual healing takes up to 24 months after the surgery.
About the time they decided on the Gamma Knife and scheduled surgery for October of 05, Katrina rolled into town and flooded both family homes. Lisa and her father's home had four feet of water go through it, Richard & Krista's home had about a foot of water. Their home had not qualified for flood insurance because it was "above the flood plain", so they got no compensation for their damages.
Everything was ruined. Appliances, all of the pressed board cabinets and furniture, the other furniture, clothes, toys, beds, and of course, the wall to wall carpet which covered all of the floors in the house.
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They were living in a tent in the back yard when I found and bought a 31 foot "bunkhouse" travel trailer and had it delivered (about a week before FEMA bought all the others in the country). All seven of them, Lisa, Richard, Krista, Sarah, Tyler, Blakely, and Jenna lived in the trailer (in the driveway next to the house) from mid September of 05 till about two months ago when the Bryars family moved back into their home that they have been repairing (themselves). Lisa is still living in the trailer as her home may be a long time before it is fixed. Her father is living with his mother who lives near his work.
 With Santa this December. |
How they have handled all of this has been remarkable. In the midst of an ongoing medical emergency (Sarah is in the "healing phase" which means she has mini seizures and has lost over 20% of her vision in both eyes), they have remained a loving, close knit and functioning family.
The kids all attend a local parochial school. Krista is the glue that holds the Parent Teacher Association together. Richard is on the school's board. The girls go to dance class, Sarah has done her first dance recital "on point". In addition, she plays clarinet in the regional parochial school band. With Tyler's participation and Richard's involvement, this small school of mostly working class families, has created a robot which is a finalist in a national competition.
ALL of the kids get help with their homework, so they get "A's." No one gets left to "stew" in any pain or unhappiness for very long.
I have neighbors here in the Mobile Home park who raised seven children in a single wide mobile home, which they moved from job site to job site all over Oregon and Washington. "Mamma Jerry" says it best, "I believe in large families and small homes. That way no one gets to stay unhappy very long."
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The Bryars embody this attitude as well. Krista is never left to carry the full weight of parenting. Her sister Lisa is always around to help. Because of these two strong women, there is less for dad Richard to deal with, so he can devote most of his energy to being a supportive parent. Other extended family members fill in as needed, these children have a large constellation of people who care about them, and who expect them to make the most of their lives.
 At Ma Maw's (in purple on the right) 75th birthday party. |
Unlike too many children I meet in other parts of the country, these children have social skills sufficient to engage an adult, a framework of "manners" with which to effectively communicate.
Last January, the family gathered to celebrate the 75th birthday of "MaMaw" Simison. When the restaurant announced that our table was ready, it was, "Simison, party of 24."
When our God Father, Royal Francis Brewton (who my brother is named after) became sick with kidney failure and had to "go home" to Mobile, it was the Simisons who built an addition on their house, so that "Uncle Francis and Aunt Nee" could move in. Juanita ("Aunt Nee") and her sister Ruth, along with Ruth's daughter Becky Ceale and her daughter Lisa (who was about three at the time) all helped run the dialysis machine that was set up in the addition. Lisa counts her early experiences helping clean the machine having an influence on her choice of a career in health care.
Later, when Krista and Richard first married, they lived at home with the Simisons through the birth of their first two children, saving money for a down payment for the home they bought, about two miles away.
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Are they perfect? No. Do they have an idyllic life? No. Do they have a lot of money, or elevated status in their community? Probably not. But what they DO have is the certain sense that they are there for each other, and the security that goes with it. What they also have is the powerful knowledge that they support each other as a family, and can get through any hardship or difficulty, together.
 Santa's helpers, the women of St. Vincent de Paul parish school (Krista on the left) |
If you can say the same thing, then you are very lucky. If you cannot, I hope you find for yourself people who will love and support you when you need it most.
I always hate leaving Mobile. The last time I was there, I didn't want to leave. This time was similar. I actually have little to no interest in living there, it is too hot in the summer, and Alabama is not yet up to speed on GLBT rights.
But I surely miss the "cousins" when I am gone, and look forward to them coming to visit this summer.
"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." - George Washington Carver
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Edward "Ed" Garren, MFT is a Family Therapist, justice activist, former West Hollywood City Council candidate, writer and sojourner. He is originally from the Tampa Bay area of central Florida. Ed has been published in the Los Angeles Times, Frontiers news magazine, and other books, including "Out of My Mind", a pictorial memoir by Kris Nelson. He is currently working on a book about Addiction in America. More information about Ed can be found at: www.edgarren.us