 Ed Garren, traveler, thinker, writer. By Ryan Gierach. |
My last piece, "August 6th," stirred a lot of thought and some controversy. I'm lucky enough to have honest friends, some of whom accused me of being an anti Semite. Others who felt more comfortable talked about how they feel a heightened level of anti Semitism since Israel invaded Lebanon, none of this stuff is pretty. If I had any Muslim friends, I suspect I'd have heard similar thoughts from them.
I was at Costco a while back and there were two Muslim women in front of me. It was an interesting moment. Like the orthodox of most religions, their custom forbids them from talking to a strange man, which is perceived as being disloyal to one's husband. I often encountered orthodox women in east West Hollywood and in the stores down La Brea. One some occasions I would attempt conversation and get the cold wall of non existence. In the rural areas of the west, where there are orthodox Mormon communities, it's the same dynamic. Women in long dresses, with no make up, hair pulled up and tied, nervous around men they don't know, get business over with and get home.
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The two women at Costco had each other to chaperone, so they were more relaxed. I imagined their world these days, wanted to say something kind, but felt awkward, so kept silent. There are more Muslims in the United States than their are in Afghanistan.
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What I do know is that my Jewish friends tell me that anti-Semitism is on a significant rise, and they feel it, even in long time close relationships. I can easily believe this, and also imagine that for Arab/Muslim Americans, it must be much worse. As I said last week, there are no winners in war, only survivors.
 By Mikel Gerle |
In addition to being accused of anti Semitism, I got a few questions about the "forgiveness" comments I had made. Theology (from the Greek Theo-Logos, "God-Words") is an interest of mine because it relates to what I do as a therapist. Psychotherapy is usually about helping people integrate their belief systems and their emotions. Most people learn their beliefs from their family and culture. Religion plays a profound element in both for most people, so it is impossible to escape the expectations that one has from one's cultural/religious background.
My comments on forgiveness are based in some formal theology, and years of experiencing the belief systems of persons from various religious/cultural backgrounds.
Tony Kushner in his amazing play "Angels in America" wrote an interaction between Louis and an old Rabbi. Lou is concerned about his inability to deal with his partner's impending sickness and death. After a short conversation about what is contained in Holy Scripture and what isn't, the Rabbi concludes the conversation with, "Worse luck for you Bubbola, Catholics believe in forgiveness, Jews believe in guilt."
One friend said it best, "You can go stand on the border and throw loaves of bread at them. I think you're nuts."
There are days when I completely agree with him. Vengeance is the way of the world, and it is always "nuts" to take a different path. We forget that both Gandhi and King were chastised as dreamers by their peers. Sadat and Rabin both got killed for trying to live a life of forgiveness and reconciliation.
There was "spin" on one of the CNN shows last night about how Iran wants to be a larger player in the middle east, and in order to expand it's influence, has armed and financed Hezbollah. The commentator said that from Iran and Hezbollah's position, Israel "bit the bait", and launched into a war that has made Hezbollah heros among the Muslim world, advancing it's leader's esteem, and helping build an Arab coalition, headed by Iran. On CNN today, a returning northern Israeli woman commented that the war had cost a lot of money, made Israel look bad, Hezbollah look good, and doubts if any long term success will come of it.
 Photo by Mikel Gerle. |
All this because our "Dry Drunk" president and his oil obsessed buddies, lied to get us to invade a nation that sits on top of the second largest oil reserve in the world, an oil reserve they wanted to get their hands on. In my darker moments, I think that Osama is still working for the CIA, and that 9/11 was staged to get the country riled up behind the big lie. As implausible as it may seem, it offers explanation for why we still haven't found (and never will find) Osama.
Lastly, in my defense, I would again re-state what I said early in the piece, " I don't have a favored position. I can't force blame on anyone, except possibly the United States and the British for almost a century of meddling, and dividing people into groups that hate each other, and then forcing them to live next to each other, starving their dignity, feeding their hatred".
Ideally, the time for a spiritual response was decades ago, and it was ignored then, and continues to be ignored to this day. But it is never to late to love, never too late to start over, but it takes resolve on at least one side of the equation.
 Photo by Mikel Gerle. |
There is another aspect of "Waging Peace" that needs to be emphasized, it's not easy. Forgiveness is probably the hardest thing anyone ever does in his or her life. It is hard because it requires complete surrender to the forces of life that are bigger than we are. One may call it "The Universe", "Higher Power" or "God", but it's all the same, and it hurts like hell.
Also in the play "Angels in America", there is a scene in the Mormon Visitor's Center, Harper asks the pioneer woman who came across the open plains, "Bitter Lady of the plains, talk to me." Much to her surprise, the dummy comes alive. Harper asks her, "How do people change?"
The woman reply's, "Well, it has something to do with God, so it's not very nice. God splits the skin, with a jagged thumb nail, from throat to belly, then plunges a huge filthy hand in. He grabs hold of your bloody tubes, and they slip to evade his grasp, but he squeezes hard, he insists. He pulls and pulls until all your innards are yanked out, and the pain, can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs em back, dirty tangled and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching." Harper adds, "Then get up and walk around." The woman reflects, "Just mangled guts pretending." Harper concludes, That's how people change."
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Part of what always struck me about West Hollywood was that it was filled with folks like the description above, often refugees from "The Boulevard of Broken Dreams" who were now trying to make some reasonable happiness out of "Plan B."
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Mangled guts pretending, but pretending to be what? Wiser more loving? Hardened and more angry? The choice is always ours. But I'm of the belief that eventually if we keep choosing self protection that we turn to stone inside and our humanity dies.
In a speech in Detroit, Martin Luther King talked about the psychological damage of hate. In the practice of psychotherapy, carrying grudges causes all manner of pathology, learning to forgive is the beginning of wholeness and peace. The art of forgiveness is not just a vague luxury under good circumstances, it is the only way to resolve conflicts in a way that is not damaging both in short and long term.
 Photo by Mikel Gerle. |
Louise Hay once talked about how carrying a grudge gave her cancer, and that recovery from it included forgiving the man who had repeatedly molested her as a child.
The tragedy for me about the current Middle East, and how it spills over into the rest of the world (terrorism, etc.) is that it's a region of people who have lost all humanity with regard to each other. The only solution at this point is for them to collectively get tired of the killing, which might take years. But sooner or later, one is left with one of two choices, forgive, or carry the stones inside to a miserable grave.
There is no profit in peace. It takes armaments to make war, and someone makes a lot of money off of making and selling them, often to both sides. As the largest armaments producer in the world, one can't help but question the current administration's willingness to wage peace vs war. Certainly the Carlyle Group is having a good year for all the death and destruction going on.
When working with couples in the middle of a divorce, the most satisfying moment is when they realize that no one (particularly their children) is benefitting from their continued conflict except their lawyers.
My personal relationship to this goes back to my father's side of the family. His mother, a Gentile, eloped with her handsome loving husband who was certainly Jewish. After my father was born, she left her husband, took my father and fled from New York City to Tampa Florida. There she fabricated a story about her husband's death, "He was soft hearted, just like you" she told my father. "He gave his coat to a freezing beggar on the sidewalk as we were leaving the opera one night, got a chill and died of pneumonia. He died because he was too generous, just like you."
Her resolve to not be soft hearted included trying to viciously and repeatedly beat any generosity out of my father, wishing to spare him the heartbreak of life's disappointments. Instead she implanted her own torment into her young son, who in turn tried to implant it in me. She hated everyone who was not like her, particularly Jews, claiming they had cheated her out of her husband's inheritance when he (supposedly) died.
 Mari Garren |
My father would ask about his real last name and she would reply, "I know you, you're soft hearted, just like your father. I don't want you to ever have anything to do with those people and if I tell you their names, you'll try to find them."
On her death bed, she wrote out a long letter in German. My father decided it must be the words to a waltz and filed it away. I realized years later it was her confession, and probably contained the names of his father's people. My father had lost the paper by the time I asked him for a copy, so in her bitterness, she carried the secrets to her grave because she could not forgive his family, herself, and could not accept forgiveness from her son, daughter in law or God.
When I consider the volumes of heartache and pain this woman lived with and perpetrated on our family, all because of her inability to offer or accept forgiveness, fueled by her determination to not be "soft hearted", I absolutely know that forgiveness is the better way.
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I also know that whatever generosity of spirit I may have comes from the Jewish side of my genetics, not the Gentile. More importantly, I like to think it comes from trying to love God, and accepting my mortality on a daily basis, no matter what happens.
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"The only devils in the world are those running round in our own hearts, and that is where all our battles ought to be fought." Mohandus K. Gandhi
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There are times when regular politics will not do, and this is one of those times - Molly Ivins.
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Edward "Ed" Garren, MFT, Edward "Ed" Garren, MFT is a Family Therapist, justice activist, former West Hollywood City Council candidate, writer and sojourner. He is originally from the Tampa Bay area of central Florida. Ed has been published in the Los Angeles Times, Frontiers news magazine, and other books, including "Out of My Mind", a pictorial memoir by Kris Nelson. He is currently working on a book about Addiction in America. More information about Ed can be found at: www.edgarren.us.
Ed Garren can be reached, even in the Red America’s wilds, at