Living with Teenagers
I spend a lot of time explaining to parents the transition that comes with puberty, and that puberty is coming earlier and earlier now, presenting new challenges for child rearing in many families.
The first thing I want to say is, if you want your children to learn anything from you about life, do it before age 10 or 11. Once puberty hits, they will start emotionally detaching from you and the harder you try, the less they will listen.
They will learn the most important lessons about themselves and other people before age five.
They will learn what is important about life and living with others before age 10.
If you want them to know about anything, they will learn that from watching you and how you live your life, 24/7. Show by example, not “teaching.”
Spend as much time together as a family as you can. Dinner together every night is essential. If you don’t do this, you will raise strangers, and be stuck with them in adolescence.
If possible, involve them in food preparation. Not only will you save money, but you will be teaching them the importance of eating fresh home prepared foods. Avoid opening boxes or fixing anything “convenience” oriented. Keep a few of those items for emergencies, or as a break, but don’t make it a habit.
Don’t turn on a TV unless it is to watch an actual show. Don’t use a TV as “background noise.” Homes with a TV on constantly are notorious for cranking out ADHD children who grow up into very angry adolescents.
After dinner, spend time together until bed time, do homework at the dining table and stay with your kids to help them, or do your own reading or “home” work. Just being with your kids, and being available for them will help immensely.
Don’t go to another room and leave them, they need your presence to know that what they are doing is important.
If you have a computer, use it in a public place so that no one is isolating with it.
The only reason anyone should be in a bedroom away from everyone else is if they are sick or sleeping.
If your kids have cell phones, put the chargers in the kitchen or dining room so that they must be charged away from their bedrooms. That will minimize the likelihood of late night texting under the covers when they are supposed to be sleeping.
If you have an adolescent that is pulling away and isolating, underscore all of the above. If they are working, remember that they need to join the rest of you for dinner at least four nights a week (of 7).
One thing that can help a lot is to have a “camping trip” in your family room every few weeks. Pick a weekend, sleep together in the same room (with age appropriate boundaries in place) that is sort of like a slumber party/camp out, so you spend time together. Combine it with a family game night or movie night just to reconnect and find out who each of you are and are becoming.
Remember that our large houses and social compartmentalization is relatively new in the human saga. Until about 60 years ago, children and parents spent a lot more time together because there were not all of the distractions in their lives that exist now.
When children enter adolescence, they need to “Individuate and Separate” from their parents emotionally, so expect them to be angry, detached, and uncooperative. That loving child who lived to make you happy is gone forever, so let go of your emotional needs and become a “manager.”
Set important but minimal rules that are easily enforceable, and don’t expect to “teach the kid a lesson” because it won’t work.
Use short increments, like a day or two, much like a “time out” without pleading or nagging.
An example; privacy is a privilege that goes with trust. A violation of trust means no privacy for a period of time, such as a week. Expect your adolescent child will lie to you, and when you catch them in it, take the door off their room for a week. No fanfare, no drama (other than theirs), just do it. Put it back after the week, don’t add a long list of issues, keep is simple.
Setting boundaries and the expectation of appropriate behavior is one way to build self esteem in your children. if you make excuses, or let them off easy on a routine basis, you are not doing them any favors and you are not helping build self esteem.
Children today learn from each other how to wear parents down and get their way, don’t cave in just to shut them up. If you do, they won’t respect you, and remember love cannot exist without respect.
Mostly, your children will learn to respect themselves as much as you (the parent) respect yourself, and demand respect from others in your life, including your children.
Spend as much time with your kids as you can, you won’t regret it.
There are a lot more things you can do to make living with your teenage kids work better.
If what you’re doing is not working very well, consider scheduling an appointment to come in and talk about it.